Chapter 9 - Kitsugi

Author's note: This chapter contains mature and sensitive themes that may be disturbing to some readers. It is never my intention to trivialize or sensationalize these topics. Reader discretion is advised.

"I'm here for you," Miranda said gently.

She'd followed Mariah to her room. It was obvious something was bothering her. Something that had lain just under the surface, hiding in those nightmares they didn't talk about.

"I know," Mariah said.

"Rocco," Mariah said as she sat down. "He was the sleaziest of Janet's sleazy guys. When I came out... she was so pissed. She said I was sick and wrong, a pervert... a monster... but Rocco, he just laughed and said I just needed to be shown what a Real Man could do."

"That night, he came into my bedroom." she continued, surprised by how calm she felt now, "and he... showed me."

"Oh God," Miranda whispered, tears welling in her eyes. 

"He raped me," Mariah said, the words hurting her throat, "For about a month... I never knew when he would come into my room. Sometimes, if I was quiet, he wouldn't... but... Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I split."

"Please tell me Rocco is rotting in jail," Miranda said.

"He never did a day for it," Mariah answered coolly. "He was a lowlife drug dealer but he knew people. He cut a deal, named names, and walked out."

"That bastard," Miranda hissed.

"Stupidest thing he ever did," Mariah smiled fiercely. "A couple months after Londyn and Danielle took me in, I heard... they fished what was left of him out of  the bay. I guess he named the wrong names."

"It didn't really matter. Even dead, he's still there... in my nightmares," Mariah continued. "It really screwed me up. I got in so much trouble. I sabotaged basically every relationship I had. Dio, I gave Londyn and Danielle such shit after they took me in... but they never gave up on me. And neither did you."

"It's taken a long time... and help from Londyn and Danielle, and a good therapist... not to mention some crazy strega talking me down off that bridge... for me to start to put myself back together. To feel like I'm... worthy," Mariah said. "I am though. I'm... putting myself back together. I am worthy."

"Still, this thing with Orange... it dredged up those nightmares again. I was so angry... about all of it. I guess I've still got some healing to do," she stood, not willing to meet Miranda's eyes. "Well... they say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

"Bullshit," Miranda said softly, standing to face her. "It just doesn't kill you. You made you stronger."

"I love you," Mariah sighed, sinking into her arms.

"I love you," Miranda whispered fiercely, "I love you so much... and you are... worthy."

Breathe. Just breathe.

Author's Note: Kitsugi is the art of repairing broken pottery with lacquer mixed with gold, creating something beautiful out of something broken. 

For everyone who has ever picked themselves up and kept going after a trauma, you made you strong.

Chapter 8 - Gossip

 
"Girlfriend, you hold your head high," Aadi was saying, "and don't let anyone drag you down."

The friends sat together around Genie's bed, laughing, talking and supporting her. Rumor and gossip had spread through the dorm in the wake of her ill-fated hook up and subsequent conversation with Orange. 

"I just feel so rotten," Genie started.

"Al diavolo!" Mariah cursed, "You didn't do anything wrong."

"Absolutely," Miranda agreed.

"Ok, ok... you're right. I know you're right," Genie smiled, then she gave Mariah a long look. "Mariah, there's something I want to know. You always talk like you're from Tartosa..."

"Oh, we're talking about me now?" Mariah smiled.

"Yes. Anything to change the subject," Genie laughed, "but really... you talk like you're from Tartosa, but I read somewhere that you're originally from Sulani."

"I was born in Tartosa," Mariah said, "but my dad died when I was just a kid and Janet moved us to Sulani."

"Janet? Who's Janet?" Aadi asked.

"The puttana who pushed me into the world," Mariah snarled softly. "I guess you could call her my mother... The government did. I don't. Anyway, she was from the islands, so she moved us there after dad died. So I lived there... in the skanky part of the islands that the tourists don't visit... with Janet and her series of increasingly sleazy guys until..."

"Go on... until?" Aadi prompted.

"I fell in love - Emi Sato - and came out," Mariah said. "Janet didn't take it well, learning her daughter was... and I quote... a pervert and a monster. It got bad and eventually I ran away. Lived on the streets for a little while until the cops picked me up, landed in foster care and ended up getting adopted by a famous movie star..."

"Like one does," Genie nodded.

"Anyway, Londyn moved me back to Tartosa," Mariah concluded. "So, there you go... my life story. Next."

"No, no," Aadi said. "I want to hear about this girl... Emi."

"She was cute and funny and kind," Mariah said. "We were fourteen and in love. She kissed me... my first real kiss... on the beach at sunset. It was... nice. Madonna, I haven't seen her in years."

"Anyway, what about you, Aadi?" Mariah continued, "Who was your first love?"

"Derick Woodall," Aadi smiled. "That boy could sing."

"What about you, Genie?" Aadi asked.

"Gio Romea," Genie grinned. "I had such a crush on him."

"Your turn, Miranda," Genie said.

"Imran Watson, first crush, first kiss," Miranda smiled.

"Hold on girlfriend," Aadi gasped theatrically. "A boy... Does our Miranda play for both teams?"

"I... I guess," Miranda stammered. "I mean, I've liked boys... but I'm Team Mariah all the way now. What about you Aadi? Have you ever been with a girl?"

"You know Aadi transcends gender," they said with a grin, "but I am purely into male-bodied persons. Genie?"

"What?" Genie jumped slightly. "Me... and a girl? No, I haven't.... yet."

"Oh," Aadi grinned. "Yet, huh? Got your eye on someone?"

"N... No," Genie stammered.

"She's taken," Mariah said, a little sharper than she'd intended.

"What about you, Mariah?" Aadi said. "Ever been with a guy?"

"Pass," Mariah replied.

"Come on, share with the class," Aadi insisted.

"Dio santo!" Mariah said, "Leave it, Aadi. Anyway, I'm going to bed. I've got an early class."

"I'll walk you to your room," Miranda said, following.

"Oops," Aadi winced.

Chapter 7 - Conversations

Author's note: This chapter contains mature and sensitive themes that may be disturbing to some readers. It is never my intention to trivialize or sensationalize these topics. Reader discretion is advised.

Breathe. Just breathe.

Mariah shook off the fog of another nightmare. Of course her brain was throwing up old horrors. Merda! It's not about you, she thought. Need to do something to help Genie.

Breathe, puttana. Just breathe.

In the end, there was only one thing she could think to do.

"Hey," she sighed.

"Hey yourself," Miranda said. "So, are you going to tell me what's bothering you or what? 'Cause it's been like three days and I'm getting worried."

"Merda," Mariah cursed. "I'm OK."

"Liar," Miranda interrupted.

"I am," Mariah insisted. "Well... at least... it's not about me. I'm worried about... someone else... but I can't say..."

"Genie," Miranda nodded.

"What? I didn't say that," Mariah blinked.

"You didn't have to," Miranda said.

"Madonna. She talked to you?" Mariah sighed.

"No," Miranda admitted, "but while you've been walking around like a thunderstorm, she's been as skittish as Gwen's cat that time I... well, that's not important. It's pretty obvious something is bothering you both... but I could tell you weren't mad at her. So, I guessed it might be the same thing... whatever it was."

"Clever, Sherlock," Mariah muttered.

"I was just hoping one of you would talk to me," Miranda said, "or to someone, at least."

"Well, I've got to or I'm going to explode," Mariah said.

"So, what did Orange do?" Miranda asked.

"Porca miseria, how do you know this?" Mariah snapped.

"Right, like the fact that the two of you have been giving each other the death glare for three days wasn't obvious," Miranda snapped back. "Would you tell me what's going on?!"

"He hurt Genie," Mariah snarled.

"Oh God," Miranda gasped. "You don't mean... Did he...?"

"She says no," Mariah replied, "but not far from it. She doesn't want to file a report. I want to be there for her but I..." She took another deep breath, "This isn't about me. It can't be about me."

"You don't have to do this alone," Miranda said gently. "Any of it. Neither does Genie. I... I want to try to talk to her. Maybe together we can figure out what to do."

"OK," Mariah sighed.

"Just promise you won't try to beat the shit out of Orange," Miranda added, "at least not until I've talked to Genie."

"Why would you even say that?"

"Promise!"

"Madonna!" Mariah groaned, "OK, prometto. I promise."

The dorm was shocking normal, Miranda thought. Dorm-mates going about their lives, maybe not entirely unaware of the tension between some of them... Miranda was pretty sure someone would have to be three days dead to miss the tension... but at least moving outside of it. 

She found Genie watching TV in the common room.

"So," Miranda said casually, "are you... OK?"

"Oh God," Genie groaned, "Mariah told you, didn't she?"

"I may have wheedled some of it out of her," Miranda said.

"I shouldn't have told her," Genie sighed. "It's really upset her."

"We've all got baggage," Miranda allowed, "but she's worried about you."

"She wants me to report him," Genie said, "but I don't... it's not like that. He didn't attack me or anything... he just... we hooked up and he... did things that I didn't like... I don't know."

"Hey, it's OK," Miranda said. "I just want to help, however I can. I want to know what you want. Even if that's for me to leave it alone."

"You know," Genie laughed bitterly, "I think in this whole thing, you're the first person to ask me what I wanted. I mean if he'd asked me what I wanted, none of this would have happened."

"OK, so what do you want?" Miranda repeated.

"I want to tell him that!" Genie said. "You know... he doesn't even know. I've... I've been avoiding him. He knows that. He cornered me in the bathroom the other day... said he wanted to talk. I ran away."

"I was so scared," she continued. "I mean... I really don't think he wants to hurt me. I don't think he ever wanted to hurt me... but he did... it really hurt. He was so strong. I was afraid." 

"Yeah, I get that," Miranda nodded, suppressing a shudder. 

"I didn't even say anything to him," Genie whispered, "while he was... because I was afraid. I should have..."

"Don't go there," Miranda said gently. "You were right the first time. If he'd only asked... only talked to you, instead of just doing what he wanted and waiting for you to say 'no'... we wouldn't be here."

"No means no," Genie sighed.

"No... yes means yes," Miranda insisted.

"So," she continued, "you want to talk to him?"

"Yeah, but I can't," Genie said. "I mean, I could have the other day in the bathroom but I just freaked out."

"So maybe don't talk to him alone," Miranda suggested. "We can be there with you. Meet him in our dorm-room. Mariah and I can be there... and if he gets out of line, Mariah will kick his nuts up between his ears. She might do that before long anyway."

Genie laughed, then took a deep breath. "OK... OK, let's do this."

____________________________________________________________________

"I mean, you can't just do that to a girl!" Genie was saying firmly. Once she'd gotten started, she was surprising forceful. "You can't go around just assuming that the answer is always 'yes' until we say 'no." You've got to ask!"

Orange, for his part, had moved rapidly and transparently from confused to shocked to genuinely horrified.

"Oh man, Genie," he said. "I... I'm really sorry. I didn't think... I mean... I guess, I thought you were into it. I didn't... You're so right. I should have asked. I feel like a monster."

"Good," Mariah muttered.

"I mean, can you ever forgive me?" Orange asked.

"Maybe, yeah, I can," Genie said, "but just to be clear, we're not dating. We're not hooking up. You and me... it's never happening again. I don't think you're a bad guy, Orange... If I did, I would have let Mariah kick the shit out of you... but what you did was bad."

"I know," Orange whimpered. "God, I'm so, so sorry."

"Remember," Genie said, "talk to a girl. Yes means yes. Don't be doing stuff without her saying it's OK."

"Oh wow," Genie said, after a visibly diminished Orange had left the room. "I can't stop shaking... but that was good. Wasn't that good?"

"You were amazing!" Mariah smiled.

"I couldn't have done it without you guys," Genie said. "Thank you both, so much. I'm going to go splash some cold water on my face... maybe throw up a little... but I'm good. I'm so good."

Chapter 6 - Bad Hookup

Author's note: This chapter contains mature and sensitive themes that may be disturbing to some readers. It is never my intention to trivialize or sensationalize these topics. Reader discretion is advised.

Before they knew it, the start of classes was upon them, bringing classes and homework on top of the demands of dorm life. New routines quickly formed.

It was morning and Mariah was thinking about her Psych homework when she ran into Genie in the restroom. 

Without much thought she greeted her girlfriend's roommate with a distracted, "Hey Genie."

"Hi," Genie's usually bright voice was subdued.

Mariah stopped short, all thoughts of homework forgotten. She was acutely aware of the way the other woman's lip quavered, the way she held herself, as if on the brink of tears.

"Are you OK?" Mariah asked gently.

"I'm... I'm fine, really I'm..." Genie started.

Mariah just waited, meeting the other woman's eyes.

"No," Genie gasped, "I'm not fine."

"What's wrong?" Mariah prompted.

"I... last night," Genie started, "I... I kinda hooked up with Orange."

"Madonna," Mariah swore, a sudden rush of fire and ice snarling in her gut. "Genie, did he...?"

"No! No... not... he didn't," Genie stammered. "I mean... not really... I wanted... I did. I mean... I thought..."

"OK, deep breath," Mariah said, perhaps as much to herself as to Genie, "Can you tell me what happened?"

"We were talking, kinda flirting," Genie said, "and it got sorta... hot... and I said... I mean he's cute and kinda famous... and I thought 'what the hell, go for it' ... God, I'm a slut."

"Al diavolo!" Mariah said firmly, "To hell with that! You're not... and whatever he did is on him, not you! You hear me!"

"I... OK," Genie took a shuddering breath.

"Did he hurt you?" Mariah asked again.

"No," Genie repeated, "I mean... it hurt... it did... but he didn't force me. He just... we were going at it and he just..." Her voice dropped to a whisper, "He jumped straight to fifth. He didn't even ask! He just... I think I screamed. It hurt so bad... and when he was done, I... I just left."

"OK... OK. I... I can take you to campus med center. We can get you checked out." Mariah said, her own emotions locked in iron chains... and you can report the stronzo, she adding in her head.

"No, no," Genie shook her head. "I... I just want to lay down. I'm... I'm OK. Thank you... for listening."

"Genie," Mariah said. "Any time you want to talk, I'm here."

She could barely hear for the screaming in her head, barely feel for the ice and fire roiling in her blood. She knew she needed to breathe. She couldn't lose it. Not here, not now. Not... 

Figlio di puttana! What is he doing here?!

"Hey, 'Riah," Orange grinned. 

"What... Are you doing... In my room?" Mariah snarled through clenched teeth. Control. You are in control, she thought.

"Oh, sorry," Orange said, still smiling, "Angela said it would be OK for me to borrow her guitar. I was just trying it out."

His words were almost lost in the distant echo of a girl's sobbing screams. She was sharply aware of him... his size, his strength. Genie wouldn't have been able to fight him off if she tried. They were always so damn strong.

"Get out," she said coldly.

"Hey, I said I was..." he started.

"GET OUT!" she exploded. "You stay OUT of my room and you stay AWAY from us!"

"What the Hell?" Orange reeled, shocked.

"Te lo giuro, se le fai del male di nuovo ti ammazzo!" she snarled, "I swear it!"

"You're crazy," Orange snapped back, storming out of the room.

Breathe, Mariah thought. Just breathe.